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January 17th 2016 was a bitter cold day. Windy as fuck and all. But not just windy, the type of wind that sticks to you and brings the cold right to the bones.

Early morning, just like always, after Alex was born. We decided to go and see Ioana, and then just go about our day.

We got there early, the security guard called, I was allowed up: longest elevator ride EVER.

The nurses almost ran when they saw me… they did not want to see me, or have me asking questions. They knew. I just managed to ask: O2 sats still sucks? She looks at me, and just utters a quiet Yes, before running.

In all honesty, hospital walls have heard a LOT more prayers than any other walls. The 10 days my sister was admited to the terminal patient ward, I saw a lot of people pray. I didn’t. Pray to who?

I looked at her, at the monitor, and somehow, I felt it’s about time I said Good-bye! I was coockie, I need to admit that. I really did thought that I was ready, as ready as anyone can be nontheless.

Later that night, the phone rang. I was asleep, Max answered and then came to me. He just looked at me, and I knew: I had a sister no more. Officially so to say, because in all honesty she had left us a while now. And now it was done…

It took a while before I allowed myself to cry, to let go… I knew everybody expected me to be strong and acted accordingly. But I was lucky. Lucky to have great friends, who asked me just if I am ok, and an awesome husband with an iron patience.

Today, 3 years since she is no more… I can’t think of her and not feel like my soul is being ripped apart. I start to think that it will never be better, I will never be ok. I still find myself thinking: I need to tell this to Ioana, she will laugh so hard… Just to realize that I will never hear that laugh ever again.

At the end of 2016 my second son was born, Scorpio just like auntie… just that this time, the door did not open, and she did not came to see her nephew… and as I predicted, this has been the worst thing. Watching my nephews and sons growing up without her is what tears me apart the most.

So, long story short, I’ll be in a corner crying my eyes out today, just in case you need me.

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